My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
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[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
In banana years, I am bread.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin