Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
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So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Velcrow