13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
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likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”