@Freudianscript

People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing.

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@ohpegah

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

@SJSchauer

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

@internetluke

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

@Surhailo

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

@better_off_dad

God: I made the sky a canvas, the sun & the clouds an ever changing painting of colorful beauty.

Devil: I made potato chips.

@DanSpenser

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

@Dpressedspartan

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

@CountGripsnatch

Just checked my Farmville for the first time in a year. It’s now a Walmart.

@hstweetheart

I’LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

“…Ma’am, this is a preschool…”