People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing.

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A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.


If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.


ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB


Friend of mine is convinced this whole virus thing is a hoax. It’s hard to doubt him because he also knows exactly where they’re hiding the aliens in Area 51


I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.


Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.


Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.


if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.


Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.