@Freudianscript

People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing.

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@kimtopher22

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

@rdm_guy

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

@Holy_Mowgli

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

@tsm560

Friend of mine is convinced this whole virus thing is a hoax. It’s hard to doubt him because he also knows exactly where they’re hiding the aliens in Area 51

@Gupton68

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

@ObscureGent

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

@omgshuddup

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

@jennifer_reber

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.