Anyone with a modern pc feels this pain
People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing.
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[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
How Can Birds Be R
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
God: I made the sky a canvas, the sun & the clouds an ever changing painting of colorful beauty.
Devil: I made potato chips.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in a year. It’s now a Walmart.
I’LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY.
“…Ma’am, this is a preschool…”