M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
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Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Who does Amazon think I am?
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone