jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
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I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”