People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
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I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Just me?
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”