People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
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If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?