If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
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HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Oh hi lol
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.