People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
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This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.