People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
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[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Nothing.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”