People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
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My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
he was correct
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?