@TheCatWhisprer

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

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@p01arst0rm

AAA publishers: “CUSTOMERS WANT HUGE $60 EXPERIENCE WITH EPIC OPEN WORLDS AND CUTTING EDGE GRAPHICS”

gamers: “haha honk honk im an angry goose”

@ArfMeasures

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
?????

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

@MarfSalvador

[after giving cpr]
him: ??? ????? ?? ????
me: lol
him: ???? ??? ????
me: I inhaled helium first

@ForbesScience

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

@weirdralph

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

@007Rex_Inc

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

@ericsshadow

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

@onion_an

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*