People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
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He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
fired
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life