Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
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“Just how drunk are you?”
– “French toast”
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Soul mates theory
I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.
These cat babies are straight up gangsta. I’m going to name them all after Friends characters. The one I hate will be Ross.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
you either don’t eat cereal for months or you eat 3 bowls in one night there is no in between
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
if you’re having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on themselves.