@dubiousrhetoric

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

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@Oncefallen

Every time I think I’ve got the perfect family they escape.

@LittleMissAngr1

My neighbours complained about me dancing naked in my backyard last night. It’s like they don’t even know how necromancy works.

@KevinBuffalo

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

@koalaslament

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

@timdonakowski

If I ever meet someone who’s been in a coma since 2004, I’m trying to sell them a USB drive for $150.

@Lisabug74

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

@TheReal_AndyMac

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

@rancheroni

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me