People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
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My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
is nasa ok
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Me trying to “trust the process”
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.