@dubiousrhetoric

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

You Might Also Like

@UncleDuke1969

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

@weinerdog4life

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

@Freudianscript

I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.

@stonedcognition

These cat babies are straight up gangsta. I’m going to name them all after Friends characters. The one I hate will be Ross.

@dshack8

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

@sluuttyyy

you either don’t eat cereal for months or you eat 3 bowls in one night there is no in between

@DuckhouseMedia

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

@FriendlyAssh0le

if you’re having a bad day, remember, there are people out there who have their ex’s name tattooed on themselves.