Every time I think I’ve got the perfect family they escape.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
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My neighbours complained about me dancing naked in my backyard last night. It’s like they don’t even know how necromancy works.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
“The pleasure is all mine”
Omg you’re so selfish
If I ever meet someone who’s been in a coma since 2004, I’m trying to sell them a USB drive for $150.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me