People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

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Every time I think I’ve got the perfect family they escape.


My neighbours complained about me dancing naked in my backyard last night. It’s like they don’t even know how necromancy works.


Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.


I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right


If I ever meet someone who’s been in a coma since 2004, I’m trying to sell them a USB drive for $150.


Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.


Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.


Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE


[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me