People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
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What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.