Hate when i’m singing a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
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HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.