@bonehugsnirony

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

You Might Also Like

@YBMillian21

Hate when i’m singing a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

@imteddybless

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

@mikeysny

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

@andylevy

“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States

@3sunzzz

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

@nayomeewallace

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

@juliussharpe

My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.