learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
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‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
doing your own taxes
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.