With all due respect to the Spice Girls. If you’re gonna be my lover, I would prefer it if you didn’t get with my friends
people will make fun of you for believing in astrology and then be like “every hotel we ever built has no 13th floor”
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Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
Potential Employer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “In the break room, with my arm stuck in the vending machine.”
After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat’s the male. Guess she knows it’s easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.