@kaL12578

people will make fun of you for believing in astrology and then be like “every hotel we ever built has no 13th floor”

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@shopkins776

With all due respect to the Spice Girls. If you’re gonna be my lover, I would prefer it if you didn’t get with my friends

@iRowlf

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

@rosannecash

Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.

@jessehawken

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

@Roxtalled2

Potential Employer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “In the break room, with my arm stuck in the vending machine.”

@Dirty_Naomi

After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat’s the male. Guess she knows it’s easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.

@emily_tweets

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

@TomE83_

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.