People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
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ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you