people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
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who named him groot and not spruce lee
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Finally, a door that understands me
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
did it work
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon