People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
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STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
finally
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST