People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.

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As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.


[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.


The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.


Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz


Whoever said, “there’s no place like home for the holidays” clearly hasn’t been to my house.


[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope


Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic