waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.
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I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
HOW TO BECOME A CRAZY CAT LADY:
1) Get a cat.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
During your interview, try ending every sentence with “dot jpg”.
“How would you say you handle job pressure?”
–Not a problem.jpg
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Addicted to pills? Don’t worry. They have a pill for that.