@juliussharpe

People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.

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@OllyiConic

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

@envydatropic

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

@mansizedthumbs

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

@dafloydsta

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

@reczit

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

@TodaysResume

During your interview, try ending every sentence with “dot jpg”.

“How would you say you handle job pressure?”

–Not a problem.jpg