@juliussharpe

People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.

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@ricsem

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

@CantWaitToNap

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

@paulrust

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

@niccolethurman

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

@Vodkantots

Whoever said, “there’s no place like home for the holidays” clearly hasn’t been to my house.

@bea_ker

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

@theshantilly

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic