People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
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translated into Canadian
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?