People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
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HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Growing out my freckles.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me