People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
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I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
This checks out
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip