@Pork_Chop_Hair

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

You Might Also Like

@House_Feminist

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

@GrantTanaka

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

@juneohara65

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

@MaraWilson

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

@whatmaddness

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

@kellyoxford

If weddings were for couples there would be men’s wedding magazines.

@Spaziotwat

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

@dumbbeezie

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

@heatherlou_

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

@IchBin_Rob

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.