If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
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band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
If weddings were for couples there would be men’s wedding magazines.
God: *creates the crab
God:”You’re a crab”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.