People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
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I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
wait.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson