People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

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Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels


My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.


“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.


I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!


My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible


i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.


Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.


I like to ask girls if they wanna take a shower with me then hand them a ski mask and drive to Lowe’s.