People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
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Me if I was a dog
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.