@GreenishDuck

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

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@theshantilly

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

@mommywhitfield

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

@KateWhineHall

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

@BurroFuma

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

@lexxluthaa

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

@dkn33c

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

@ShawnGarrett

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

@Midgetspar

I like to ask girls if they wanna take a shower with me then hand them a ski mask and drive to Lowe’s.