People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
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If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife: