My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
You Might Also Like
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son