People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
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[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
These aliens are taking forever.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.