@GabbbarSingh

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

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@doublewenis

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

@Sorrowscopes

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

@ThrillHicks

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

@Robert_Beau

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

@msred1973

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

@TheToddWilliams

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

@delusionaliam

“Hey! check out my new ink” *removes shirt, stands naked*

“Dude!, I don’t see anything”

“It’s invisible ink”