People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
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M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
They’re the worst 😩
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws