Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
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Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
“Hey! check out my new ink” *removes shirt, stands naked*
“Dude!, I don’t see anything”
“It’s invisible ink”