People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
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Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now