people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
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The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”