@PaperWash

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

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@HardDriveMag

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

@laurenmacdonald

If I give my dog a toy that doesn’t make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life.

@kellyoxford

Dropping 11yo off at school.

11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.

Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.

11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.

@Shock_Monster

Why do Asian people never seem to age?

I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.

@3sunzzz

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

@gf3

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper