People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
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One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Real House Wines.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge