“The plot thickens” I say as I switch to heavier graph paper.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
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when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
If I give my dog a toy that doesn’t make an unbearably annoying noise she looks at me like I have no clue how to do anything right in life.
Dropping 11yo off at school.
11yo: Take Lankershim home, there will be less traffic.
Me: But then I’ll pass a McDonalds and I’ll want to stop.
11yo: You’ve only got about 40 years left. Live your life.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Why do Asian people never seem to age?
I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
me: dress me like a beekeeper