People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
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As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that