Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
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Me: There’s nothing better than a quiet evening out with friends after a hectic week.
Tequila: We’re gonna fight every girl in this bar!
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR… CLAUSTROPHOBIC MAN (runs into a phone booth) (runs out, crying) no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no n-
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
When black guys say “ya feel me?”, I literally feel them so they know exactly what level of white I’m operating at.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.