People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
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Denise please return my vape pen
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.