People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

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(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.


If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae


[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]


[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!


Why doesn’t, “I have a headache!” work for when I don’t want to mow the yard?


I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.


Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.


Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away


Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.


When you have “very happily married” in your bio, we read that as “DM me about my other secret account ’cause my spouse watches this one.”