@girlontapas

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

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@Proxic0n

SCIENTIST: Behold
The self-esteem powered car! Come take it for a drive

ME: uh okay *gets in*

[CAR JUST LITERALLY FALLS APART]

@LizHackett

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

@funflaps

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

@TheDailySchmuck

“It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!”

When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil’s food cake with my bare hands.

@iGreenMonk

No matter how rich or famous you become, when you die, the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.

@theshantilly

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

@TragicAllyHere

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

@Born2bVild

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.