People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
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John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding