“You should marry your best friend”
is good advice, but I think my best friend’s wife would be pretty upset
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
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The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I’m easily the third toughest guy at this casino breakfast buffet.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
“Oh no. We dripped cheese dip on the cat. I’ll get it”
*she grabs a shirt*
“Hey don’t use that!”
*hands her a chip*
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Me *turning to friend: “OK. Now fly this thing!”
Friend: “I can’t fly a plane”
Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies!”
Friend: “No. Master of *disguise*”
Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!… Ah OK I get it now.”