My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
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Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
The USS B port
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I feel attacked.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me