Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
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My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Erm…
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.