People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
You Might Also Like
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Follow me for more recipes
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.