People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

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There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.


If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft


A girl told me how hard it is for her to gain weight. I said it’s hard for me NOT to. We had a good laugh & then I punched her in the face.


[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]

ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?

LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it


Happy International Women’s day. Or a sad one. Or an angry one. Or a passive aggressive one. You never really know with women.


Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all


Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something


*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward