There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
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Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
oh my god, i need this to be me in 20 years
If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft
A girl told me how hard it is for her to gain weight. I said it’s hard for me NOT to. We had a good laugh & then I punched her in the face.
[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]
ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?
LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it
Happy International Women’s day. Or a sad one. Or an angry one. Or a passive aggressive one. You never really know with women.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
Angel: you killed them all
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward