I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

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Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.


I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.


When someone tells me they’re a bodybuilder, I always ask “Not the Dr. Frankenstein kind, right?” because you can never be too careful.


I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.


My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.


“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”


Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.