People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
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“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
why I oughta
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”