Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging