Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
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dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise