peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
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Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
monday
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Just a reminder, folks:
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.