Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

You Might Also Like


Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.


Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the


I love when I’m walking closely behind a girl and she starts to speed walk away. It’s like she knew I wanted to race all along.


89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.


My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table.

That’s all the DNA test I need.


Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.



Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.


All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.


*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby


Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.