Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
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“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
yeah 😭
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
My what?