Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
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Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I love when I’m walking closely behind a girl and she starts to speed walk away. It’s like she knew I wanted to race all along.
89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table.
That’s all the DNA test I need.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.