@SandwichGhoul

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

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@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

@TweetsByKaylee

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

@SweetTweetsBRO

I love when I’m walking closely behind a girl and she starts to speed walk away. It’s like she knew I wanted to race all along.

@jergarl

89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.

@rz0ndy

My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table.

That’s all the DNA test I need.

@NewDadNotes

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

@Cynner777

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

@painted_eel

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

@gaurav_verma23

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.