It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
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If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
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