@JulieSnark

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

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@sixfootcandy

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

@tweetsbyrocket

zoo keeper: your husband was mauled to death trying to enter the wolf enclosure

wife: [sobbing] you sure it’s him?

zoo keeper: he was shouting “free the moon puppies”

wife: yea it’s him

@realHamOnWry

My parents both wear hearing-aids. And I think that’s why they’re still married…they never turn them on.

@SomeChrisTweets

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

@HpHubert

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

@starringmichell

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf