@JulieSnark

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

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@meowkenxing

the united states is $22 trillion dollars in debt and they have the audacity to try and give ME a credit score? worry about yourself first babygirl

@ArfMeasures

DENTIST [nods at my son] He did so well, do you want a sticker for him?
ME: Yeah, sure

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Harry?
ME [smoothing sticker down on my shirt] the dentist offered a trade

@dukelongboard

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise

@KandyKoehn

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

@ozzyunc

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

@JB4Realz

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

@bazecraze

The whole purpose of travel is to return home and discover what your house actually smells like.

@twayne1010

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

@RobinMcCauley

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.