Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
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the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Stick it to the man
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP