PER MY LAST EMAIL
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*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?