Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
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Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
my fav colour is also hitler
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.