Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
You Might Also Like
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Stop talking about how terrible your kids are.
My son eats ketchup on his tacos.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a birthday cake?
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?
Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.