[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

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First thing heard on the news: “You’re gonna be wet by this time tomorrow morning”.

Kinda looking forward to Tuesday now


My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war


Bank Robber: Put all the hand sanitizer and the toilet paper in the bag and no one gets hurt

Teller: And the money?

Bank Robber: No thanks


I have never once hit a drink or treated one badly so don’t tell me about alcohol abuse!


Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.


Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.


Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies


Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”