First thing heard on the news: “You’re gonna be wet by this time tomorrow morning”.
Kinda looking forward to Tuesday now
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
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My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Bank Robber: Put all the hand sanitizer and the toilet paper in the bag and no one gets hurt
Teller: And the money?
Bank Robber: No thanks
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
I have never once hit a drink or treated one badly so don’t tell me about alcohol abuse!
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”